The “Big Balls” Carjacking Story Doesn’t Add Up

In the early hours of August 3, 2025, around 3 a.m. on Swann Street NW near Logan Circle in Washington, D.C., Edward “Big Balls” Coristine, a 19-year-old former Department of Government Efficiency staffer, was with his girlfriend when a group of about ten juveniles approached in an attempted carjacking. According to reports, Coristine pushed her into the car to safety before the group assaulted him, leaving him bloodied and concussed, and stole his iPhone 16. Police arrived and arrested a 15-year-old boy and girl from Hyattsville, Maryland.

The incident, captured in graphic aftermath photos, drew national attention after President Trump posted an image of Coristine on Truth Social, calling him a hero and using the event to argue that D.C. crime is out of control, to push for trying juveniles as adults, and to renew his threat to federalize the city’s governance.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to call bullshit.

First of all, why would a group of about ten juveniles, in the middle of a carjacking, give Coristine the courtesy of allowing him to secure his girlfriend safely in the car before attacking him? Did he call a timeout? Was there some pre-attack grace period negotiation? Secondly, if someone tells you they’re going to take your car, does it make sense to put your girlfriend in that car? That’s almost a paraphrase of Henny Youngman (“Take my wife… please”). And if you are putting her in the car, kudos for letting her go first, but why wouldn’t she just slide into the driver’s seat so you could both escape?


And unless, in addition to being a computer genius, you’re also a UFC brawler, a martial arts black belt, a Golden Gloves champ, or some kind of costumed crime fighter, what made you think you could take on a gang of ten? Because they’re juveniles? Dude, you’re 19, your own little "big balls" just dropped, you’re barely older than they are. Let’s be real: you’re a pencil-necked geek. Facts in evidence, you got beat down by Bebe’s kids. If this was a show of machismo for your “so-called” girlfriend, you failed miserably. You were built for coding, not combat.

According to the police report, officers observed a group of about ten juveniles surrounding the victims’ vehicle. But by Coristine’s account, he and his companion were first outside the car, then she was inside alone, and he was never in the car at all.

The official statement says: “A police cruiser intervened, causing the suspects to flee. Two juveniles, a 15-year-old boy and girl from Hyattsville, Maryland, were apprehended and charged with unarmed carjacking; the others remain at large.” So did they pull up in the middle of the ass-whipping? If the beating was over, why did the suspects stick around? And if there was that much blood on “Big Balls,” why was there none on the juveniles?

Visual evidence: Images of Coristine, shirtless, injured, bloodied, were widely circulated in the media and posted online, and MPD confirmed them as likely authentic. But why don’t we have metadata from those photos to match with the police report so we can verify the timeline and authenticity?

Injury profile mismatch: The injuries shown lack swelling, bruising, or fractures consistent with a genuine 10-on-1 “merciless beating.” The blood patterns suggest superficial wounds or staged appearance rather than multiple traumatic impacts.

If officers actually saw ten suspects surrounding the car, there’s no clear reason they didn’t intervene immediately, or how the suspects dispersed so quickly without pursuit.

Timeline integrity: Without EXIF photo metadata, CAD logs, and bodycam footage, there’s no way to confirm that the bloodied photo matches the time of the alleged assault. These records exist as a matter of standard police procedure. Their omission is therefore deliberate, either withheld under the pretense of an ongoing investigation or actively suppressed.

Bodycam reality check: MPD bodycams maintain a pre-event buffer of 30 seconds to 10 minutes, meaning they’re effectively always recording. Even if activated late, the preceding minutes are automatically saved. At the end of a shift, or via wireless sync, the footage is uploaded to secure servers, time- and hash-stamped for chain of custody. Felony-related footage is retained for months or years.

The only way MPD could have “no footage” is if:

  • The pre-event buffer was intentionally wiped or overwritten, and

  • No upload was made to the evidence server, or the file was deleted, and

  • Metadata showing GPS location and activation logs was removed or hidden.

Charge inflation: Public statements and media coverage call this a “carjacking.” But a completed carjacking requires that the vehicle be taken. In this case, the car was never taken or recovered, it stayed in the victim’s possession. Legally, this is “attempted carjacking” or “assault with intent to rob.” Calling it a completed carjacking inflates the severity, sensationalizes headlines, and strengthens the political narrative for a federal takeover of MPD.

In short: The facts don’t align. The story is padded with unwarranted assumptions, omissions, and theatrical framing. Given the primary subject, a known bad-faith actor, this reads less like an honest police report and more like a glorified campaign stunt.

I’m just saying.

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