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The Strangest Peace Deal Ever Rebranded

So basically, what had happened was: Trump tore up the JCPOA in 2018 because Obama’s deal was supposedly terrible, really terrible.

Then, seven years and change later, after Iran pissed off Trump’s buddy Bibi, Trump dropped bunker-busters on Iran and declared their nuclear program totally obliterated.

Some eight months later, Trump, at the behest of Bibi yet again, attacked Iran with the fury of hell because, although their nuclear program had been TOTALLY obliterated six months earlier, they were now supposedly days away from a nuclear weapon.

In the ensuing weeks, according to Trump, he destroyed Iran’s army, navy, air force, and Boy Scout program several times over. And yet, somehow, he still needed to declare a ceasefire. Strange, because if all their defenses were gone, who exactly was still firing?

Meanwhile, Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz, again, how, if their navy was destroyed? wreaking havoc on the world economy.

So now Trump, with help from Pakistan, has negotiated something that pretty much reestablishes the JCPOA, except they are not going to call it that. I assume the new name will be almost identical, minus the O, because God forbid anybody accidentally leave either of Obama’s initials near the credit. This version also includes promises to reopen the Strait, play nice, and — oh yeah — move vast amounts of cash around.


But let me pause here to object to the language being used. International diplomacy is not “making deals.” You cannot reduce peace negotiations to language and terms the U.S. president can understand.

You make a deal after a coin flip that your side will receive the ball this half and kick off at the start of the next half.

You make a deal that your buddy will help you move on Saturday if you provide pizza, beer, and stop describing a sleeper sofa as “not that heavy.”

You make a deal that if your neighbor stops letting his dog use your yard as a restroom, you will stop explaining property law to him with a shovel and a Ziploc bag.

Peace negotiations require more than a deal, a handshake, a wink, and a smile. They require precision, verification, enforcement, consequences, and adults who understand the weight of the moment. Language matters because language tells the public whether we are witnessing statesmanship or showmanship. This is diplomacy, not a real-estate closing, a casino negotiation, or a used-car transaction with wind-dancers in the background. This is war, peace, nuclear risk, global energy markets, and human lives. It deserves language equal to the seriousness of the hour.

So basically, the summary of the situation since last February is this: Trump blew shit up, declared victory, claimed credit for regime change, helped drive prices up, called a ceasefire, negotiated some vaguely diplomatic something-or-other, and now everything is slowly supposed to go back to the pre-February status quo.

Except, of course, it will probably take at least two years for gas prices to remember they were ever down in the twos and fews in the first place.

I’m just saying.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 16, 2026 at 9:49 AM

    Yep that’s what happened and I’d bet dollars to donuts that the enriched uranium will wind up being taken to Russia and Trump and Vance will tell everyone that will make the world safer.

    ReplyDelete

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