The Reflecting Pool Reflects Poorly

 “Our pool is bigger than skyscrapers”?

On Wednesday, June 3, Donald Trump held an impromptu executive order signing ceremony in the Oval Office to discuss renovations at the Lincoln Memorial, including work on the Reflecting Pool. During the event, he displayed a graphic comparing the pool’s length to the height of several skyscrapers.

Wait. What?

Is anyone supposed to be impressed by that? Because even if it were impressive, and let’s be clear, it is not, he didn’t make the pool bigger. He painted it. That’s the entire achievement being celebrated here. Not construction. Not engineering. Not some grand expansion of American infrastructure. Paint. Color. Surface treatment.

So why is he bragging about how much bigger it is than skyscrapers? Is this supposed to explain why it cost so much to paint? Is the argument, “Look, folks, it’s a very long pool, therefore the bill had to be stupid”? Because that is not a justification. That’s just an orange man pointing at a blue rectangle of water and pretending that makes him better than Bob Ross.

And if one of his unqualified friends got the contract, the size comparison feels like a preemptive excuse for the bill. “It’s bigger than skyscrapers” is not a reason to overpay somebody to paint a pool. It’s more like corruption with a ruler, which probably is not the first time Trump has exaggerated something with a ruler.

The comparison itself is nonsense. The pool is longer than skyscrapers are tall. Okay? My sandwich is taller than your dog is long. My driveway is wider than your refrigerator is smart. These are technically possible comparisons, but why are we doing this? Who asked? What does that prove?

Unless the point is that we’re planning to stand the pool up vertically, in which case I have a few concerns. First, I don’t think that’s going to work. Second, the water is going to spill out. Third, once you stand up the Reflecting Pool, it stops being a reflecting pool and becomes a waterfall. And once Trump realizes he has a waterfall, he’s going to want a whole amusement park around it: admission $47.45, parking $80, and a gift shop selling Trump Water by the thimble.

And if we are not standing it up, why are we comparing its length to the height of buildings? That is not a flex. That is geometry having some sort of spasm.

If we’re doing this nonsense by height now, why stop there? Why not measure circumference? Surface area? Volume? Emotional displacement? If the argument is just “big thing is big,” then let’s really commit to the stupidity. Tell me how many refrigerators long it is. Tell me how many Shaqs it covers.

Because once you abandon useful measurements, every number becomes a campaign slogan.

And somebody actually had to make that sign. That may be the part I cannot get past. A grown adult, possibly several grown adults, had to decide that “Our Pool is Bigger Than Skyscrapers” was the headline. Somebody typed it. Somebody approved it. Somebody printed it. Somebody mounted it on a board. At no point did one person say, “Are we sure this doesn’t sound like a third-grade science fair project?”

This is another one of those things he thinks we’re supposed to be proud of him for, like when your cat kills a bird and brings it to you as a gift. The cat is standing there like, “Look what I did. Aren’t you impressed?” And you’re standing there thinking, “No, I am not impressed. I am disturbed. Also, the neighbor is about to be pissed.”

That’s the Reflecting Pool comparison. Trump is holding up a dead bird and waiting for applause. Nobody is impressed. The cat thinks it’s a gift. Everybody else sees a crime scene. And the guy who owned the bird is certainly not applauding. He’s livid.

That’s what this is: a dead bird on the porch of public discourse, except the cat also made a poster and demanded a ribbon-cutting.

And does explaining that the pool is longer than skyscrapers are tall also explain why it needed to be painted in the first place? The job of the Reflecting Pool was stated pretty clearly in the name. It reflects. And it’s a pool. That was the assignment. It was not called the Longest Tallest Bestest Oblong Ever, but if it were, then we could now add Bluest to that list, so there’s that. If your big improvement to the Reflecting Pool is that it reflects less, then congratulations: you have successfully misunderstood both water and nouns.

Why skyscrapers? Why the Sears Tower? Why the Empire State Building? Why One World Trade Center? Is the pool running for mayor of Chicago? Is it trying to get a zoning variance in Manhattan?

Is it taller than the Burj Khalifa, or am I thinking of Wiz Khalifa? I get the two mixed up, but it matters: one of them just beat your pool, and the other is a rapper who still towers over this achievement.

The whole thing feels like someone tried to turn maintenance into a campaign rally. He painted something that already existed, then needed a poster explaining why everyone should clap.

But nobody is impressed. Because again: he did not make the pool bigger.

He painted it, made a poster, and asked America to clap.

I'm just saying.